because life is a strange, meandering path that takes us to unexpected places, i ended up at a secret justin bieber concert last sunday in new york city. jealous??? don’t hate the player.

for those of you who don’t know (aka non-beliebers/anyone born before 1980), justin bieber is a teen pop phenom who, in the last six months, has risen to an astonishing level of fame and success, selling millions of albums across the globe and capturing the hearts of both young girls and their middle-aged mothers with his aw shucks charm. last month, JB caused a mall riot in long island. long island! the incident got his manager arrested. by the cops! in long island! he should just keep posting the same twitter update: BAAALLLLIN.

and guess what? the kid is only sixteen. at his age i was nervously three-point-turning my parents’ minivan and graphing sine functions, not singing for the president of the motherhugging united states and making three year olds cry.

[well, I may have made a few three year olds cry, but i’m like dude, if you touch my splash cooler capri sun, i WILL have to fuck you up. just sayin.]

anyhow, the show was a lot of fun and i have mad respect for any performer who can sing, dance, and bang competently on drums while looking prepubescently adorable in a purple NHL fitted cap and all blue nikes. in between the almost inhumanly high-pitched screams of the fifth grade audience, i took some notes. they are pasted below using rubber cement.

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(1) there is a 40-something man in the front row wearing a full suit (btw it is hotter than cristiano ronaldo’s abs in here) literally THROWING two dollar bills into the crowd. what?? maybe he just likes the feeling of making it rain with really inconvenient money…

(2) ummm why am i seeing so many oversized sweatshirts, unflattering-in-the-butt-region jeans, and jackets tied around waists? this isn’t disneyland, ladies. you are about to be in close proximity to the BOY OF YOUR DREAMS. get your shit together.

(3) they’re playing a song right now called ‘one less lonely girl,’ which seems to be about how JB has seen a lot of hot tail but only wants to mess with one special little lady. i have to say, this may be the most awkward stage situation i’ve witnessed since a crazy dude with an unkempt afro played dubbed-out pokemon tracks, screamed nonsensically into the mic, and successfully antagonized the entire crowd at a show in new jersey last fall. for this song, the bieber crew brought an audience member on stage to play the role of girl who is no longer lonely and she legit looks like she is either (a) in excruciating pain or (b) is about to become incontinent. when JB suavely grazed her jawbone I actually thought she might die.

(4) justin bieber has the skin of a baby. LITERALLY. i’m like are you a teenager or a frackin robot?

(5) on a more serious note, it must be weird for biebz. i honestly can’t imagine being sixteen and dealing with both intense devotion/love from strangers who’ve memorized all my tiger beat interviews AAAND mad hateration by guys who call me gay when in actuality i’m rolling like hef and they’re the ones popping chubs to pictures of nick jonas.

moral of the story: if you want to be a teen idol, FOCUS ON YOUR HAIR.